OMG a Recipe: Beefcake 4000 Protein Bars

Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!! This is an addendum to the Disorganized Kitchen Chaos post, as friends were asking about my foray into baking with protein powder and making DIY protein bars. I'm not a nutritionist, nor do I play one on television, so I can't really attest to the validity of any health claims over eating these. They will not make you strong, they will not taste better than a real meal, and hopefully not turn you into a giant d-bag like Eric Cartman from South Park. These homemade Beefcake 4000 Protein Bars were just a result of necessity, to keep me from om-nomming on something naughty like a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos or a candy bar when I'm on the run.

A snack that even Eric Cartman, Fitness God, could appreciate - Photo by Wasabi Prime

Head over to a health food store and you can find protein powder. I used whey-based protein powder, but I believe there are soy-based ones as well. Try to find ones that don't have added sugars, otherwise it kind of defeats the purpose. Many will have artificial sweeteners in it -- not ideal, but sometimes you just have to work with what you have. Do the same label-searching on dried fruits -- it's surprising how much extra sugar or corn syrup is added to prepackaged dried fruits to "enhance flavor." Natural or specialty food stores should have a bulk section that offers dried fruits, so those would be the best resources to find both the fruits and nuts for this bar. I went with dried apricots and apples, just because they have plenty of natural sugars and flavor, but use whatever you prefer. The same with choosing the type of nuts used; almonds are easy to find, but if you like pistachios or something else, go for it. Try not to get a pre-salted nut, as that will throw off the flavor balance as well as the salt content.

At the end of the day, is this a delicious treat that you will crave fortnightly like the Kentucky Colonel's chicken? Negative, Ghost Rider. It's a bit on the dry and crumbly side, but if you're looking for a source of fuel during a busy day, this is a good way to make something with ingredient control and have an alternative when a doughnut is calling your name. I can say with experience that keeping these in my car or my camera bag has been a blessing, because the weeks of late have literally been spent on the run.

Beefcake 4000 Protein Bars
(makes about 12-16 small bars)

3 cups rolled oats
1 cup whey protein powder
1 cup canola/vegetable oil
1 tsp salt
1 egg
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup chopped dried apricots (unsweetened)
1/2 cup chopped dried apples (unsweetened)
1/2 cup slivered raw almonds (unsalted)

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix until fully incorporated -- should look like a thick oatmeal cookie batter. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place sheets of parchment paper in a criss-cross fashion in a rectangular baking pan -- this will help remove the finished protein cake when it's fully baked. Pour in the batter, spread/smooth evenly in the pan and bake for 20-15 minutes until everything is set and browned along the top. Remove from pan and let it cool on a rack. It will be firm, but slightly chewy when you cut it into little bars. Once the cut bars are fully cooled, wrap in plastic wrap and pack in your work bag or keep in your car for an on-the-go snack. They should keep for about two weeks.

Mixed Plate: Disorganized Kitchen Chaos - I Ain't Lazy, Just Crazy

Meals sometimes get a little crazy at Casa de Wasabi, so I apologize for the lack of ooh-la-lah foods. You know what I'm talking about -- there are weeks where meals get planned out on time, groceries purchased, and everything runs like clockwork. And then there are some weeks where you just have leftover stuff from previous meals and you just want to clean everything out before you buy anything new. The solution for those weeks look like this: Kitchen Sink Frittata, Bag o' Broccoli Soup, and for dessert, Beefcake 4000 Oatmeal Cookies.

Everything but the kitchen sink... wait, is that a spigot over there? Photo by Wasabi Prime

I get zero credit on the name, Kitchen Sink Frittata -- gotta give it up to my homeskillet, Radish and Rose, who would tell me about her Kitchen Sink Omelettes, wherein the refrigerator would be scoured of all random scraps of leftover vegetables and made into a large, hearty omelette. I made something similar with the frittata, throwing in spinach, leftover chicken and random bits of cheese, placed in a baking pan with a custard of eggs and milk, and then baked. Slices served up on a bed of greens for dinner and packed away for lunches at the office, it takes care of several meals for part of the week.

Soup is the answer, because no one knows what went in it - Photo by Wasabi Prime

Paired with the frittata or fine on its own was literally the Bag o' Broccoli soup. As in, I found a random bag of broccoli sitting in our box freezer from some forlorn Costco trip where I thought a frozen bag of broccoli would be a nifty idea. This logic is flawed! Don't ever buy frozen broccoli thinking it won't defrost into a giant pile of mush. Ain't. Gonna. Happen. Plus it was a giant bag that's so intimidating, you never want to open it in fear of trying to somehow wrestle it into a meal. It spent a night defrosting in the fridge and then I spread the entire contents of the bag across two baking sheets and roasted them with a bit of oil to help remove some of the water and concentrate the flavor down. The broccoli was transferred to a pot of simmering chicken stock and the stick blender made quick work of the florets, turning it into a murky, green stew that looked like I cooked Oscar the Grouch. However, with the help of a bit of seasoning and milk to both loosen and make the texture more creamy, the broccoli soup came together nicely. Garnished with crumbled feta and extra pepper, it would be totally fine to serve guests, and they probably wouldn't think to assume the ingredients came frozen, out of a bag. From Costco, no less. Broccoli de Ghetto Soup, anyone?

Spring Cleaning the fridge and freezer - Photos by Wasabi Prime

As for the Beefcake 4000 Oatmeal Cookie, yep, you guessed it, by the power of Eric Cartman, I used protein powder in a cookie recipe. Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!! This was less of a pantry-clearing exercise and more of a "what would happen if I did this..." experiment. I took a chewy oatmeal cookie recipe and substituted half the flour for whey-based protein powder. This is a good idea: Y/N? Well... it wasn't awful, and they actually were a pleasant enough treat to have around with the lie hanging in the back of my brain saying, "it's protein powder, so it's healthy, right??" How does it feel be going down the River of Denial, Wasabi?

Beefcake 4000 Oatmeal Cookies, better than Cheezy-Poofs. Photo by Wasabi Prime

The protein powder we use has a flavoring added to it, so it made the cookies a little on the malty side, which I think is mostly to tone down the fact that it's protein powder. Any hopes of making it healthy were quickly dashed when I added some white chocolate chips to it, plus the original recipe called for quite a bit of sugar. If I were to remake it with energy bar intentions, I would probably nix the sugar and use just a little honey as the sweetener, and add more nuts and dried unsweetened fruit. The protein powder seemed to hold up in the baking process, so I could probably replace the flour completely with it, were I to attempt this bizarre baked good again. I know it sounds like a weird thing to make, since protein bars are never something wonderful to eat. Chalk this one up to too much time and too much weird crap in the pantry.
Fine, so meal options aren't always pretty when you're home-cookin' it most of the time. But it can't be all champagne wishes and caviar dreams -- life happens, you can't always go out for meals, and sometimes you just have to get a little crazy.

No whey?  Whey. Photos by Wasabi Prime